Why I feel trapped inside my head..

I used to be an awful worrier. I worried about what has happened, what could happen, and things I know will happen. And one day I told myself to stop, because there’s no point. This actually worked for while, but because things aren’t going great right now, the worries are creeping back into my life.

I think about the future waaaay too much. I think about what I want to happen and what I think will happen. And how I will regret not seizing the moment, or taking that risk that will make me look back and smile.

I try to be optimistic and happy and ‘try to do something new every day’ but that doesn’t last long. I hate wasting days on the sofa, but then again, sometimes I really need a lazy day and quite enjoy them.

I try to go as long as I can without crying. I don’t feel embarrassed by crying, I just don’t like doing it. And watching depressing films/itv dramas that work hard to get their viewers in tears, do not count in my book.

Like most girls I know, I don’t eat what I want and envy size 8 women who can eat as much cake as they can and not gain a pound. I don’t hate the gym, I hate the idea of it. I’ld rather go dancing. – Note to self, start salsa dancing.

I have never understood why I would be attractive to others if I don’t feel attractive myself. In the past I’ve been told this is ‘ridiculous’ and I realise that what I see isn’t what others do, but it’s not embedded in my brain.

Going for long walks, running, reading, meeting old friends for a catch up helps stop my mind from running away and catching silly thoughts to store in my brain. I wish these distractions would work all day, every day.

And because of all these reasons, I have never old anyone any of this and I’m sad to say that I feel like my real life hasn’t begun, because, I’m not happy.

When I was younger, I thought real ‘grown up life’ was being married with 2.4 kids. I’m definitely not there yet and I know now there’s so much more to life than that, and I am so grateful for it. And I am getting there.

I laugh at films, and smile with friends and keep myself busy but I’ve realised that it’s not happiness because its so short-lived, and surely happiness shouldn’t be short lived or last only a few hours in the day.

And then I’m back in my head again.

I feel so messed up.

Am I the only one?

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